When I first had the idea to create this blog, I had one big thing on my mind. I wanted to help people who were going through anxiety and other mental health challenges in their life. One of the most asked questions I get is “What is your story?”
Growing up, I was (and still) a very shy person and would tend to keep my feelings and thoughts to myself. I never felt the need to make friends, simply because I felt that no one was interested in the same things I was. Elementary school just consisted of me sitting alone during lunch with a book and watching everyone else make friends.I was always known as the “shy awkward kid..who had a weird name”. Middle school consisted of the same thing. The only thing that changed was the fact that I had braces and bright purple glasses. I sat in the back of class, just quietly observing the things around me. Once high school rolled around, I felt as if I lost myself.
Once freshman year rolled around I forced myself out of my comfort zone, and started to make friends. I’m not going to lie, high school is tough. We are at an awkward transition between adulthood and childhood, when we’re still trying to figure out what we’re like, who we like, what we want to do in life. . The friends I had weren’t real friends, but at that time I was so desperate and craved friendship that I just went with whatever they did. I would rather sit around with fake people than alone. I remember during lunch constantly putting on a fake smile but in my head I was screaming saying “THIS IS NOT WHO I AM”. I was still the awkward kid, but this time with “friends”. January 2016, I remember purposely making myself sick, just to avoid doing a presentation for my Spanish class. That sadly became a habit, I would leave class and sit in the bathroom to avoid talking out loud . I began to make myself sick so I just didn’t have to go to school in general. I managed to pull it together, until June 2016. I had gotten into a “disagreement” with my so called “friends”. I remember the topic being so silly and thinking we’d get over it, but in highschool everything is taken out of context and blown out of proportion. This disagreement led to fights over text and on social media. It was me against the whole group. I was back to sitting alone, but luckily we only had a few weeks left of school. Everyone knew what was going on.
Summer 2016- I was pulled out of public school. The whole summer I just stayed home, and developed a fear of going out in public. I couldn’t even walk outside to get the mail. The mention of going back to school would make me cry and panic. I wasn’t myself anymore. I ended up enrolling in online school August 2016, for my sophomore year. Because online school literally requires no need for social interaction I was somewhat comfortable, but was still fighting a battle in my mind. I just constantly thought about ending my life, so these feelings would go away. My days then consisted of locking myself away in my room crying. I ended up even writing goodbye letters, just in case. I would constantly just think about my plan and replay it in my mind. Someone ended up finding those letters, and I was later enrolled in therapy.
December 2016- I felt frustrated that I had no social interaction (shocking..i know right?!) My only home school friend at the time lived about 2 hours away from me. I watched people on social media constantly out and wondered if I was ever going to be like that. I ended up forcing myself to go on a field trip to the Getty Museum.As we pulled up to the parking lot, I began to ramble to my mom, telling her this was a bad idea and suggested we go back home. My mom dragged me out of the car, and we approached our group. I awkwardly moved towards the one person that I knew. As the tour came to a close, I met 2 other girls who shared a lot of the same interests I did. We exchanged numbers and social media handles. The new year rolled around, and We talked nearly everyday, and even went to Winter Formal together. We constantly planned to meet up at field trips, I began to trust people again. The only downside is how far away we lived from each other. ( For those of you wondering, I am still friends with those 3 girls to this day, they’re like sisters to me.)
Although I did enjoy online school, my grades were not the best, and that began to worry me even more. If I stayed in online school, I would have to retake most of my classes, but I was given the option to go back to a traditional school so that I could be on track. After bickering with my family, Summer 2017, I opened up my mind and finally agreed to go back to school, but not just any school, an arts school. Once I was finally accepted, the thoughts of going back to a brick and mortar school after a year off scared me. I began to replay what had happened freshman year. Luckily, this school was much more accepting, and although the first couple of weeks were tough, I found my place.
Fast forward to now, February 2018. I am still fighting my battle. I will admit that I am still scared to go to school. I do have panic attacks in the middle of class and tend to leave and sit in the office to calm myself down.I do still sometimes feel worthless and no good. I still fear of going out in public. I STILL HAVE THESE FEELINGS, but I’ve learned to not let them control me or get in the way of my dreams. In fact, i’m even known as the “panic girl” , but that does not affect me, because I know i am doing that things that I’ve never imagined myself ever doing again.
This is my story, and it is still being written. We’ll get through this battle together.
officially us x